


Never Know Till You Reach The Top

by Imogen_LeFay



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Future Fic, M/M, Minor Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce, POV Blaine Anderson, Past Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Past Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-13 15:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20176894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imogen_LeFay/pseuds/Imogen_LeFay
Summary: So no-one told Blaine life was gonna be this way.By now, he thought he would have his life figured out - as a famous actor, hopefully married, happy. Instead, he feels torn between struggling as an actor, teaching, his friends, Sebastian... And now a secret admirer.Basically, Blaine's life would be so much easier if he knew just what - and who - he wants in life. But maybe he can finally figure it out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I can't write summaries. Yikes. Also have no idea on the hiring process in American schools, just saying.
> 
> Anyway, this story is a canon divergence. Most of the important changes should come from the story, but who’s interested, here’s a short summary. After Kurt went to New York, Klaine lost contact. There was no cheating, and they broke up when it became obvious they couldn’t handle long distance. Blaine was depressed but coped better than he did in canon, since there was no guilt about cheating. He started seeing Sebastian and soon after the failed Will/Emma wedding they started dating officially till the end of senior year when it became clear that they would go to different cities for college and weren’t willing to try long distance. Blaine started at Nyada but eventually transferred to and graduated from NYU, Kurt and Rachel graduated from NYADA and Rachel got her big break in Funny Girl not during but rather right after college. Santana and Brittany still got married and live together in New York. Klaine never got back together. Sebastian too moved to New York, went to and graduated from Columbia. And that’s what you missed on CanonDivergence.

* * *

Nobody had ever pretended becoming a star in musical theater was easy. Nobody had ever promised that fame and fortune were just waiting to be grabbed by those who just had enough talent. In fact, Blaine could probably fill an entire chorus of all the people who had warned him about pursuing a career in acting, instead of focusing on something more secure.

Still, nobody had prepared him for just how draining this could actually be. Even Cooper, who’d run from audition to audition, unsuccessful until he had finally scored a small recurring role in a tv show, hadn’t warned him how devastating the whole process was. He had even encouraged Blaine to follow his dream, convinced that his talent would pave him the way.

Maybe that had been the cruelest prank his brother ever played on him, or maybe his talent was just not as great as people had made him believe. Either way, here he was, in a seedy diner after another soul-sucking audition, pouting at his diet coke and Caesar’s salad, wondering if he had made some fundamental mistake in the life choices that led him here.

He wasn’t quite sure why he was upset about the audition anyway. The play was awful, he’d gone to the casting mostly out of desperation. But even that didn’t work out. He was pretty sure there would not be a callback for this one. There hadn’t been a lot of callbacks lately. There had been a few plays when he was still studying at NYU, and he even got the lead role in a production of Urinetown (which Sebastian had mocked him over for almost a month, before coming to see it five times), but since then, there hadn’t been much to write home about – not that his parents would have been especially interested to read about his acting career anyway.

“Earth to Blaine?”

Blaine looked up, a bit embarrassed about how absent-minded he’d been. Kurt had sat down opposite him in the booth and was just putting Blaine’s messenger bag out of the way. Looking at his ex-boyfriend, Blaine noticed that he’d changed out of his waiter uniform. Apparently, his shift had ended while Blaine had pouted at his salad and contemplated his life choices.

“So, how did your audition go?” Kurt asked. He seemed to be in an especially giddy mood today, the corners of his mouth were twitching up, and there had been an unusual energy around him as he had flitted around the diner before. Blaine had an inkling that Kurt wasn’t really interested in discussing his audition.

Which was fine, because neither did Blaine. “Well… it wasn’t that great,” he said. “But it’s okay. It’s kind of a weak play anyway. There will be other opportunities.”

He almost winces at these words, remembers hearing them from Cooper a million times. When had they become part of his repertoire? How often had he used them?

“I’m sure the next one will work out,” Kurt said. “You just can’t give up. It will happen, Blaine. You’re way too talented to give up now.”

It wasn’t that he hadn’t heard the words before, but it was becoming hard to believe them. Still, this wasn’t a discussion for this time, for this place – maybe not even a conversation he could have with Kurt. Although he’d never say it out loud, there were just too many unspoken boundaries in their friendship. Being friends with an ex-boyfriend held its own challenges. Their break-up hadn’t been anything dramatic, although it easily could have been. In the end, they hadn’t been able to handle the long distance during Blaine’s senior year, when Kurt had gone off to New York, immersing himself in the city, with Vogue, getting to know NYADA via Rachel, while Blaine had felt completely forgotten. He had been so close to committing an unforgivable mistake. Instead, they had broken up. They had barely talked during his senior year, only really reconnecting when Blaine had moved to New York himself, but even then, the rift had never been fully closed.

It didn’t help that none of his performing friends really seemed to want to discuss the question that turned up in Blaine’s thoughts more often with every new audition, every miserable moment wasted on waiting for a callback…

Was it really worth all the pain?

Maybe Blaine was the only one of them to ask that question. Maybe everyone else really was as confident as they pretended. He had complained about this once to Sebastian, whose theory was that everybody was just so scared of their own lack of perspective that they couldn’t bear one of them asking the “real” questions.

“You should come with me,” Kurt said, and Blaine wondered just how much of the conversation he had missed spacing out. “They’re also holding auditions for Ryan. I actually think you’d be perfect for the role.”

“Uh…” Blaine blinked, “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. Us auditioning for the same show usually doesn’t go so well.” There was the whole West Side Story thing in high school, and the one time they’d been up for the same role, Kurt had refused to talk to him until in the end someone completely different had been cast.

“I’m not auditioning for Ryan, I’m trying to get Leo,” Kurt said. “I told you about the play, remember?”

“Sure, yeah,” Blaine said. It wasn’t a complete lie, but he couldn’t remember any details. “But today is kind of bad, anyway. I still have to go over my lesson plan for tomorrow.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Who cares? You’re not a real teacher there, just a substitute, let them watch a movie or write song lyrics or something. Improvise, you’re good at that. And wouldn’t it be amazing if we were in the same play? I mean, we already know we have the necessary chemistry…”

“It’s my job, Kurt,” Blaine said, glaring at his friend. “And I have responsibility to my students.” That was another thing most of his friends didn’t understand. He had transferred from NYADA to NYU to get a wider variety of subjects. His parents had been so thrilled at this decision that they paid completely for his schooling there. When Blaine realized that acting wasn’t going to pay his bills yet, he had been lucky to get a job as a substitute teacher at Hawkings High School. Combined with a regular gig playing the piano at a small student-run bar, Blaine could just so manage to get by without asking for more support – though it didn’t hurt having a hotshot lawyer best friend getting dinner for him on an almost regular basis. Either way, it would be nice if his friends could at least pretend to take his job seriously.

“Well, I guess you have to pay rent somehow,” Kurt said, looking around at the diner. It was obvious to anyone that he really disliked still working here, but it paid well. Kurt did have a freelancing position at Vogue, but that well had run kind of dry since he’d rejected a fulltime position, fearing that getting tied down there would make it almost impossible to go on auditions and start his Broadway career.

“Rent isn’t a problem for you though, right?” Blaine asked.

“You mean apart from them not casting me as Angel?” Kurt replied. “Well, it’s fine at the moment. It’s just… I’m kind of worried about Rachel. She made some remarks… Now that her career is taking off, she’ll probably think about getting her own place.”

Rachel had been the only one in their group who actually got her big break. She had barely graduated from NYADA when she’d been cast as the lead in the Funny Girl revival, and other roles had followed. Blaine had wondered a few times why she hadn’t gotten an apartment for herself, especially since she got back together with Jesse.

“Could you afford the loft on your own?” he asked.

“I’d need a roommate,” Kurt replied, shaking his head.

“Oh. I see where that would be a problem,” Blaine said without thinking.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kurt asked, his voice sharp. “Do you think I couldn’t find a new roommate?”

“It’s not you,” Blaine said quickly, “it’s just… you have no _walls_! Who wants to move in with a stranger when there are no walls?”

Kurt seemed to want to protest, defend his beloved loft, or possibly start talking about those “privacy curtains” again, but fortunately, Blaine was spared that at least.

“It’s a great place,” Kurt said, “and you could see it if you gave it a chance. Anyway, I have to go, I don’t want to be late for the audition.” His expression softened a bit. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”

“I told you, I have to go over my lesson plan,” Blaine said, trying not to sound irritated.

“You could do that later,” Kurt said.

“No, I’m having plans with Sebastian later. He found some new Japanese restaurant near his apartment.” This too was a sensitive subject around Kurt, though one that Blaine refused to avoid. Sebastian would always be a red flag for Kurt, but they weren’t a couple anymore and Blaine could be friends with whoever he wanted, no matter how many innuendos they could pack into a simple question of where to get dinner.

“Really, that’s more important than an audition?” Kurt asked. And there it was, that note of judgment he probably thought was subtle. “You two have dinner all the time.”

One of these days, there’d be balloons falling down, marking the millionth time this exchange happened.

“So?”

“_So_, it’s obvious he’s just trying to get into your pants!” Kurt replied, like that was some sort of great revelation.

Sometimes, Blaine wondered if it would be worth the hassle to tell Kurt he was way too late to worry about that.

“I can handle Sebastian,” he said instead. “Don’t be late for your audition. Break a leg.”

Something softened in Kurt’s expression. “Thank you,” he said. “See you at Brittany and Santana’s tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Blaine said. “See you then.”

* * *

Sebastian was a bit of a snob, not that that had been a surprise. Blaine had seen that one coming from their first meeting, back at the Lima Bean. Courvoisier, really… As it turned out, this snobbery sometimes expressed itself in a preference for restaurants that were far out of Blaine’s price class. But for some reason, Sebastian enjoyed his presence enough to invite him to dinner on an almost regular basis. It was actually a relief to his own budget, and sometimes Blaine wondered if the snobbishness was just some cover-up for what amounted to charity. Then again, these restaurants were mostly so good that Blaine didn’t want to think about his friend’s motives too much. Although when Sebastian had suggested a Japanese place, Blaine hadn’t exactly expected a ramen bar.

When he mentioned it, as the steaming bowls were put in front of them, Sebastian snorted. “You can be such a heathen,” he said. “There’s more to Japanese food than sushi. Maybe I should take you some time…”

Blaine rolled his eyes. “Like you’ve ever been to Japan,” he said.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow, playfully. “What makes you think I haven’t?”

“You’re too much of a snob about Europe,” Blaine replied. “But hey, maybe I’ll take you some day.”

“You’ve been?”

“Once,” Blaine said, “I have family on the Philippines on my mom’s side, we visited when I was younger and afterwards spent a week in Tokyo before going back.” It had been too far in the past, Cooper had been a sulky teenager, and his father had complained about not being able to work. Nevertheless, he had fond memories of it.

“More sake?” Sebastian asked.

“I shouldn’t, I have a class tomorrow,” Blaine said.

“Taking or teaching?”

“Teaching,” Blaine explained.

“That’s picked up lately,” Sebastian said. “Are a lot of teachers sick at the moment?”

“Two teachers are out on maternity leave,” Blaine said, “and another one got sick, so they asked me to do a few more hours.” It was surprising that Sebastian had even noticed, like he’d actually been paying attention. 

“And they haven’t offered you a permanent position yet?” Sebastian asked, the hint of a frown on his face.

Blaine’s eyes widened. “A… permanent position?” he repeated. “That never came up so far…”

Sebastian smirked. “Don’t look at me like someone’s pulling the Naked Man on you. It’s just a matter of time until they’ll ask. You know the students, you know the rules, you have a teaching degree, and everybody there loves you. They’d be idiots not to want you on the team.”

“I just haven’t thought about it yet,” Blaine said, trying to fight down the blush that had appeared at Sebastian’s comment. “And that’s not how I looked at the Naked Man.”

“Wait, someone actually tried that on you?” Sebastian asked.

“_You did_!”

Sebastian actually had the gall to laugh at this. “Oh right, I did. That doesn’t count though, we were dating at the time.”

“You’re unbelievable,” Blaine said, shaking his head in frustration.

Sebastian grinned at him and winked. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

If they hadn’t been in such a nice restaurant, Blaine would probably have considered throwing something at him. But well, it’s not like he hadn’t known what he was getting into by keeping Sebastian in his life.

It was surprising enough just how solid this friendship had turned out to be. There had always been tension between them, right from the moment Sebastian had spotted him and pulled him into the Warblers’ rendition of Uptown Girl. When Blaine had found himself single and alone after the breakup, ending up in Sebastian’s bed had really just been a matter of time. Back then, he hadn’t expected occasional hook-ups to turn into a relationship, nor that it would hold as long as it did. But only a few days after Valentine’s Day they’d gotten official, and stayed together until they started college, when Sebastian had moved back to Paris and they’d both been adamant that long distance wouldn’t work for them. When Sebastian had returned to the states eventually to study at Columbia, they had easily slipped back into their old friendship, countless innuendos and flirting included.

“So, what have you been up to today?” Sebastian asked, changing the topic completely.

Blaine hesitated. His thoughts jumped to the audition and how awful it had been. But he wasn’t quite sure whether he wanted to talk about it. “I prepared some lessons for tomorrow,” he said instead. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

“What is it about?” Sebastian asked.

A little smile appeared on Blaine’s face at the question. This was why he liked talking to Sebastian. Most of his other friends didn’t really care about his teaching, saw it just as a means to pay the bills, nothing really important. It always confused Blaine, especially with the way they celebrated Mr. Schue like a hero who had single-handedly saved their high school lives, no matter his flaws, or how much they had in reality saved themselves and each other. Sebastian, on the other hand, actually seemed to listen and be invested in what he was talking about. It was a nice change of pace.

By the time Sebastian ordered them dessert, he had basically shared most of his plans for the rest of the school year.

“So, anything else going on?” Sebastian asked, once their mochi arrived. “You seemed a bit… distracted earlier.”

Blaine sighed. Just as he disliked talking to his former new direction friends about his teaching job, he was hesitant to speak to Sebastian about his acting career. Sebastian might just be too practical. He’d gotten a law degree at an ivy league college, only to get an amazing position at a prestigious law firm. And while he was generally supportive, he never really got the passion of making a career of performing.

“I had an audition today,” Blaine said eventually. “It was awful.”

Sebastian frowned. “What role were you going for?”

Blaine hesitated. “Mercutio in Romeo Nine Thousand? It’s Romeo and Juliet in space, only that Romeo is a robot. And sleeping with Mercutio. And it’s a musical.”

Sebastian tilted his head. “Congratulations, then?” he said. “It sounds like you dodged a bullet there.”

“I guess,” Blaine said. “Still, it’s just… do you know what it feels like to put yourself out there again and again, and all you hear is ‘no thanks’?”

Sebastian looked contemplative for a moment before answering. “Kind of? Though in my case – you did say yes eventually.”

Blaine couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re so cheesy,” he said. “I was being serious.”

Sebastian shrugged. “Just… don’t let yourself get dragged down by this. It’s not this important.”

Blaine sighed. “Because it’s just one play and there will be more opportunities?”

“No, because you shouldn’t tie your self-worth to the opinion of people who have lost control over their life enough to produce something called Romeo Nine Thousand. You should really let me screen those auditions you go to.”

“I wouldn’t go to any auditions then,” Blaine said.

“Would that be the worst thing to happen? You’re always miserable afterwards,” Sebastian said.

“Only if they don’t go well,” Blaine replied. “And it’s not like I never got cast. I’ve been in plays.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “I know,” he said. “I’ll never forgive you for the Threepenny Opera, by the way. Do you know how long it took to get Mack the Knife out of my head?”

Blaine laughed. “You didn’t have to watch it three times,” he said. Come to think of it, Sebastian had seen every one of his plays, even the really bad ones. Especially those.

Still, at the back of Blaine’s mind, there were more serious questions that he wasn’t ready to confront yet. Like… what if there wouldn’t be more plays? What if he just wasn’t special enough to make it, no matter how talented people had told him he was as a teenager?

By the time they finished their dessert, it was already way too late. Blaine groaned when he looked at his watch.

“What now?” Sebastian asked.

“Nothing,” Blaine said, “it will just take forever to get home, and I’ll have to be at school before eight…”

Sebastian gave him a strange look. “My place is closer to Hawkings anyway,” he said. “Just stay over.”

Blaine frowned, thinking about it. Sebastian’s place was close, and it would take about twenty minutes less to get to work. He had all his notes still in his bag. It wasn’t the worst idea…

“You sure?” he asked, although he had already half decided at this point.

Sebastian looked straight at him, his expression serious, and something dark flickering in his eyes. “B – stay over.”

It was that tone of voice that still could make Blaine’s knee weak and his mouth dry. His eyes shot down to Sebastian’s lips for a moment, and he gulped.

“Yeah… let’s get out of here.”

* * *

When Blaine woke, it was still early. From the numbers on the digital clock he could tell he still had about half an hour until his alarm would go off. Sebastian’s arm was slung over his back, the soft puffs of his breath ghosting over his bare skin. Blaine allowed himself a soft smile as he closed his hand around Sebastian’s, now that he was fast asleep and couldn’t protest.

It was relaxed, and comfortable in a way Blaine didn’t want to think about too much. He closed his eyes, snuggling back against the man not quite holding him.

There had always been some form of sexual tension in their friendship, even right after they met, when Blaine wouldn’t even entertain the question why Sebastian made his pulse race. When Sebastian had returned from France, the question of getting back together had never been raised. They’d just fallen into a close, if kind of flirty friendship, and yes, the occasional hook-up. Strange how that rule about exes being friends never seemed to be a problem with him and Sebastian.

His musings were interrupted by his alarm going off. So much for relaxation. He could feel Sebastian stir beside him, as he moved to put the alarm on snooze.

“I hate that ringtone,” Sebastian muttered into the skin of his shoulder.

“No, you don’t,” Blaine replied. “Beside, you’ve got to get up, too.”

Sebastian just hummed at this.

“Want to shower first?” Blaine asked.

Instead of an answer, Sebastian pressed a kiss between his shoulder blades before getting up and making his way to the shower.

Blaine turned on his back, stretching. There was a bit of soreness, but mostly, he felt comfortable. He laid back and closed his eyes again for a moment, as he listened to Sebastian in the bathroom. The snooze alarm went off, and this time he switched it off for good, putting on his boxers before getting out of bed. By the time he’d managed this much, the shower had turned off, and Sebastian stood in the doorway, only a towel around his waist.

“Show off,” Blaine said. He rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t fight the fond smile on his face.

“I’d invite you to round two, but I heard you’re in a hurry,” Sebastian said.

“Pity,” Blaine muttered, before walking past him, purposefully brushing against his side.

And of course, when he came out of the shower, he was already late. He could hear Sebastian in the kitchen, possibly preparing breakfast, but he already knew he wouldn’t have time to eat himself. As he slipped into his shoes, he wondered whether he’d manage to get a coffee on the way to school. But as he wondered, Sebastian stepped out into the hall, a thermos cup in his hand.

“You always take forever,” he said, rolling his eyes slightly, before pushing the cup into Blaine’s hand.

Blaine laughed, only slightly embarrassed. For a second they just stood there, before Sebastian bowed down for one last kiss before opening the door.

“Go get them, killer.”

“I’ll see you Friday.”

* * *

Fortunately, he’d made it to Hawkings in time. The work he’d put into the lesson really had paid off, and Blaine felt even more relieved he’d stand his ground and not gone to a second audition in the same day. Teaching didn’t have limelight and curtain calls, but it was satisfying in a different way. His students at least seemed to like him, and he himself got a certain thrill of watching them advance, knowing that he took part in their growth.

He hadn’t expected to be called to the principal’s office right after the lesson. It instantly made him feel nervous, as it had in school on the few occasions he’d been summoned like this – even though he had known for a fact he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Principal Sanders was an interesting woman, resolute and no-nonsense in a way Blaine had never encountered back in high school. The principal of Dalton had been mostly concerned with the school’s reputation, whereas both Figgins and Sue Sylvester were completely insane in their own way.

“You probably know why I want to talk to you,” she said, when Blaine sat down in front of her desk.

He frowned, desperately trying to think of something he had done wrong. The lesson had gone smoothly, and sure, the last few song choices he’d made might not be the most conventional options to use as a motivational aide, but it shouldn’t be an actual problem, right?

“I’m sorry, I really don’t,” he said eventually.

She raised an eyebrow expectantly, but after a few moments she seemed to realize that he was serious.

“You’ve been with us for quite some time, Mr. Anderson. All in all, we’re very happy with your work here. You have collected quite a following among the students and their parents.”

“Um, thank you, I’m trying my best,” Blaine said, still not sure where she was going.

“It’s not my style to beat around the bush, Mr. Anderson. I want to discuss your future at this school. I’m aware you’re looking for work as an actor. But have you considered teaching full-time?”

Blaine’s eyes widened as Sebastian’s words from the night before came back to him. “Are you offering me a permanent position?” he asked.

A small smile appeared on her usually stoic face. “I’m glad we understand each other. We’re interested in hiring you as a full-time teacher starting after the summer vacation.”

Blaine blinked at her, not sure what to say. He should have expected this, but he still felt surprised. It should have come as a welcome offer. He liked teaching, Hawkings High was an amazing employer, and it would be a smart career move. He thought to his last auditions, how disappointing and frustrating they’d been. Was that something he wanted to do to himself for the rest of his life? But… was he ready to completely give up on acting? Back in school, people had been so convinced that he could make it, that he had the talent to become an actual star. Could he turn his back on that?

Sanders was looking at him expectantly, and he knew he had to give an answer. When he opened his mouth, he didn’t even know what he was going to say.

“It’s a generous offer,” he said, trying to buy himself some time. “Just… I didn’t expect this, to tell you the truth.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Sanders said. “Be that as it may, can I interest you for the position?”

“I’m interested,” Blaine said, “I just… I need to think this through.”

She nodded. “I understand, of course. It’s an important decision. Think about it, we’ll discuss this next week.”

Her nod was a clear dismissal. Blaine got up and left the office, but the ground beneath him felt less solid than usual. He wasn’t even sure what was wrong with him. He should have seen this coming – and this was a good thing. It was the chance to actually make a career. Wasn’t this something he had wanted? Why did it make him feel so uneasy?

His feet led him involuntarily to the teachers’ lounge, and with it the closest coffee maker. As he prepared a cup, his mind was still spinning around the idea. It felt like he should talk to someone about it. Sebastian was the first person coming to mind, seeing how he had actually predicted this turn of events, but he was at the office right now and would be busy. Of course, a text wouldn’t hurt.

As Blaine opened his bag to get out his phone, he noticed a piece of paper stashed away. Curious, he took it out and unfolded it. He found the lines of a poem.

_Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?_  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.

Instead of a signature, there was simply a heart and an X.

Blaine stared at it. How on earth had he gotten this? Was that a mistake? But as he looked at the paper again, he could see that someone had written “Blaine” in careful block letters. So it really was for him…

A smile formed on his face as he re-read the lines, his phone forgotten.

* * *

Though Blaine never would have thought it possible in high school, there were actually times when he felt grateful for the torturous training Sue Sylvester had put him through. It had served him well during his short stint at NYADA under Cassie July’s tutelage, and even more so under his current dance teacher.

As it turned out, married life hadn’t mellowed Santana in the slightest, and the lessons she gave at her and Brittany’s dance studio were simply brutal. Still, as tough as it was, Blaine was glad for their studio. He knew choreography had never been quite his strongest point, and taking lessons kept him active. And as awful as Santana could be, he definitely learned more than when Brittany was teaching a class.

It also was nice to just hang out with his high school friends at the nearby bar every week. This time, the conversation topic had quickly led to Kurt’s audition, which apparently had gone better than expected.

“Of course, the guy they want as Ryan isn’t exactly my type. But that’s what acting is for,” Kurt said. “Although, Blaine, if you’re interested, I might still swing an audition for you.”

Blaine shook his head. “Not really,” he said. “Actually, I’ve been thinking about taking a step back from acting.”

“Are you serious?” Rachel asked, her eyes wide and concerned. “Why would you do that? You have so much talent. It’s criminal enough that Jesse wants to stick to producing, but Blaine – you belong on the stage.”

“I don’t want to stop completely,” Blaine said. “It’s just… I was offered a full-time position at my teaching job. That would limit my ability to go on auditions.”

“Are you serious?” Kurt asked, and his voice almost sounded outraged.

It kind of annoyed Blaine. “Most people would say this is a great opportunity,” he said.

“Others would call it giving up,” Santana replied. “But hey, not everybody is cut out for show business, I guess.”

Blaine bit down his comment about Santana’s own career in showbusiness that still hadn’t gone much farther than a few commercials.

“Teaching is fun, though,” Brittany said. “You perform every day, and you can have all the fun you want doing it.”

It wasn’t quite the perspective Blaine would have wanted, but with this audience he knew it was going to be the most supportive opinion he could hope for, so he flashed her a grateful smile.

“I mean, it is an opportunity,” Rachel said, although the skepticism was heavy in her voice. “But remember how we wanted to do a Broadway show together? Just think how amazing that would be…”

It was an idea they had dreamed up during West Side Story, and for a while, it had seemed realistic. By now… not so much.

“I didn’t take it yet,” Blaine said, hating how defensive he sounded. “I’m just thinking about it.”

“Is this because of your last audition?” Kurt asked. “You know something is going to come up soon. Just let me-“ He stopped, his face suddenly contorting into disgust as his eyes fell on something near the bar.

“What?” Rachel asked.

Santana followed his gaze, and she rolled her eyes. “Don’t even think about bringing up that high school crap again,” she said, glaring at Kurt.

“They let in anything, don’t they?” he muttered.

Blaine looked toward the bar and felt his stomach drop. Sebastian was standing at the bar, but he wasn’t alone. Beside him was some guy – dark, tall, handsome and clearly already slightly buzzed. For a moment, Blaine tried to tell himself that it was probably a coworker or a friend, but he had seen most people that Sebastian kept in his life, and this was a complete stranger, who was also standing way too close and now putting an arm around Sebastian’s waist. So yeah, a date.

Blaine looked away, not sure why the sight bothered him so much. Sebastian was his friend. So maybe they were friends that occasionally hooked up. But that didn’t mean there was anything more. Blaine loved their friendship, and how easy everything was between them. So what if he could still feel the ghost of Sebastian’s lips on his skin? It didn’t mean anything.

Or maybe he was just bothered because he had come to think of Sebastian as… available?

But they weren’t together, and Sebastian could go and have dates with whoever he wanted. Those were the rules. And Blaine didn’t need to make things more complicated than they were. Dating wasn’t an option for them. Besides, he didn’t even want to date Sebastian.

Which was of course a lot harder to believe when he could hear his friend’s smooth laughter over the bar.

“I think I’ll call it a night,” Blaine said, trying to ignore the weird glances his friends shot at him. “Seriously, Santana, you could teach any drill sergeant a lesson.”

As he walked past the bar, he looked up for a moment – just in the moment Sebastian did so as well, and their eyes met. There was surprise in Sebastian’s face, and for a second he looked as if he wanted to come over. But Blaine just raised his hand to wave, before he turned away and left the bar.

He was still trying to decipher the expression on Sebastian’s face when he arrived at home. As he reached into his pocket for his key, his hand once more touched paper. Surprised, he took out the folded piece that once again had his name on it. Inside, there was a short message.

_I carry your heart with me(i carry it in_

_my heart)i am never without it(anywhere_

_i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done_

_by only me is your doing,my darling)_

The signature was again, a heart and an X.

Despite everything, Blaine found himself smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

It wasn’t the last note. During the next few days, a few others appeared, almost every day. By the time Friday rolled around, Blaine had actually gotten used to the idea of a secret admirer, and he started to like it. It was romantic, whimsical, something unusual. To think someone was going through all this trouble for him… it was encouraging.

It definitely was great motivation for his piano gig at the bar. Before he knew it, he was through his set, and if he judged the reaction of the audience correctly, it had been one of his better performances. Something about the whole secret admirer thing seemed to have put a new spring in his step so to speak. As he gathered his things, getting ready to leave, a drink was set down onto the piano. Blaine caught a glimpse of it – amber liquid, ice, a slice of lemon – as he looked up to see who had brought it. He wasn’t completely surprised to see Sebastian. “Hey, you. What are you doing here?”

Sebastian grinned back at him. “I heard there’s this hot pianist playing here Fridays.”

Blaine rolled his eyes at the cheesy line but couldn’t quite stop himself from laughing. He followed his friend to one of the tables, where Sebastian had left his own glass.

“You know you don’t always have to come here,” he said as they sat down.

“Didn’t have much else going on. I just got off work, that new case is… exhausting. So how are you doing? You looked off the other day,” Sebastian said, just a hint of concern

Blaine shrugged. He didn’t really want to discuss this. Tonight had been going so well, he didn’t need to ruin it by analyzing just why he’d been upset about seeing Sebastian with someone else. “It was a long day,” he said instead. “How was your date?”

“Awful,” Sebastian replied. “Be honest with me, B, are you the only hot guy in New York who can hold a conversation?”

It was hard not to feel a little bit satisfied at hearing that. “I didn’t realize you select your conquests over their conversation skills.”

Sebastian smirked. “You should know, I’m into all kinds of oral skills.”

“You’re into puns, and they’re awful,” Blaine replied. “Please don’t ever have children, you’ll tell the worst dad jokes imaginable.”

“Oh god, no. I have firm plans of letting my family line end with me,” Sebastian said.

“You might not want to tell your sister that,” Blaine said.

“Forget my sister, imagine telling my nephew,” Sebastian said.

“Wait, nephew?” Blaine asked, his eyebrows rising.

“According to my sister’s gynecologist. Due in three months. She told me last night.” Sebastian shook his head. “Can you imagine me as an uncle?”

Actually, Blaine could imagine that perfectly. As tough and mean as Sebastian liked to act, he would spoil the hell out of his sister’s kid.

“Congratulations to Colette,” Blaine said. “And to you.”

Sebastian shrugged, the slightest hint of a blush on his cheeks, as if he hadn’t planned to let this get so real.

“Anyway, what’s really up with you?” he asked eventually.

Blaine hesitated.

“And don’t even think about saying it’s nothing,” Sebastian said.

Blaine rolled his eyes. “If you want me to tell you, you’ll have to take me home.”

“That’s why we’re not dating, you’re so high-maintenance. Fine then, let’s go.”

They left the bar and for a while walked in silence, to the point that Blaine almost wondered if Sebastian had forgotten the subject. But of course, that was a vain hope.

“So? Don’t make me ask a third time.”

Blaine shrugged. “There’s nothing really going on,” he said, “I was just kind of down. I told the guys some news and the reaction just wasn’t what I expected. Well, not true, I did kind of expect them, it was just not what I hoped.”

“What’s the news then?” Sebastian asked.

“Hawkings offered me a permanent position next year,” Blaine said.

There wasn’t even a hint of surprise in Sebastian’s face, although his grin widened. “See? I told you they’d do that. They’d be complete idiots not to.”

Blaine grinned and bowed his head. “You did warn me. I mean, I haven’t given them an answer yet…”

“What do you mean, why not?” Sebastian asked. “It’s an amazing opportunity, why wouldn’t you take it?”

Blaine sighed. And this was the reason why he hadn’t reached out yet to tell Sebastian about this. Of course, he’d be happy about the offer, but he very likely wouldn’t be able to understand just why Blaine felt so hesitant of accepting it. How could he explain to someone as practical as Sebastian that this felt like he was giving up on his dreams?

And when had he started seeing this from Santana’s perspective?

“It just… it feels like I’m taking the easy way out,” Blaine said eventually. “Like I stop trying to make it as an actor, so I never have to find out that I don’t have what it takes?”

“Or it means not passing up on a real thing in favor of a maybe that might never come,” Sebastian said.

“So you do think I don’t have what it takes?” Blaine asked, looking straight into Sebastian’s eyes. He didn’t mean it as fishing for compliments, he genuinely wanted to hear an answer that didn’t feel like placating. Of course, Sebastian might not see it that way.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Look, B, you clearly have the necessary talent. It’s just… that’s not enough, is it?”

“What else is there?” Blaine asked.

“Talent is important, but as I see it, it’s just one of three things. You can’t make it without talent, but you also need timing. And maybe the most important thing, luck. Your timing is… honestly? Hit-and-miss. As for luck… nobody can predict that. So yeah, you have a chance to make it, but there are still too many factors out of your control. Why run yourself ragged over something that might never happen?”

It was an honest answer, and not a devastating one, so Blaine figured he should consider himself lucky. Still, he felt deflated. How come he wanted things so much more if he was told they were out of his reach?

“I’m not saying it can’t happen, B. Just… don’t tie your whole life and self-worth on something this elusive, or on who you thought you’d be when you were a teenager. When does life ever work out like that?”

“Aren’t you where you thought you’d be?” Blaine asked.

And there, just for a second, was something he wasn’t used to from Sebastian. For just a second, he looked… lost, frustrated, before he shrugged it off with a smirk.

“There are a few things I didn’t see coming,” he said. “But to be fair, I think my ideas were a lot more grounded than yours.”

Blaine found himself frowning. There was something he was missing, something Sebastian wasn’t telling him. Sometimes, he got that impression, that his friend was keeping things from him. It was frustrating, especially compared to the ease Sebastian seemed to read him with. Why couldn’t he return the favor, just see what was going on with his friend and answer the questions he wouldn’t ask?

“Bas… are you okay?”

Sebastian looked at him in surprise, but that too only lasted for a second. “Don’t worry your pretty head over me. I’m fine.”

“Sebastian, I…”

“We’re here,” he interrupted.

Blaine frowned, as he realized they had indeed arrived at his apartment building. it was a clear dismissal of the conversation, and he felt kind of… helpless. He wondered whether it would be a good idea to invite Sebastian up, although he wasn’t sure what exactly he hoped to accomplish with that. He wanted to talk, but Sebastian didn’t seem to be in the mood for that. For a fleeting moment, Blaine wondered if he was in the mood for something else. Then again, was that really the smartest idea?

Too fast, he found himself with his arms around Sebastian, hugging him goodbye. He felt confused, like something was just off between them, and he didn’t understand what or why. He wanted to protest when Sebastian pulled back, frowning at him.

“What’s this?” he asked. “That was in your pocket…”

Blaine frowned when he saw the piece of paper in his hand. It was one of the notes that he had apparently kept in his pocket, holding a poem and the familiar signature of a heart and an x.

“It’s nothing,” he said quickly, pushing it back into the pocket. “Just… notes.”

“From whom?” Sebastian asked.

There was something harsh in his tone, pushing, and Blaine wasn’t sure he liked it.

“I don’t know,” he said, “I’ve just found a few of those lately. It’s probably nothing.”

Sebastian stared at his pocket as if he was personally offended by it. “What, you’ve got a secret admirer or something?”

“Something like that, I guess,” Blaine said, trying to shrug it off. “It’s… kind of cute, don’t you think?”

“Maybe in grade school,” Sebastian said, rolling his eyes. “Not for adults. If you want something, go get it. Don’t hide behind stupid notes.”

“They’re not stupid,” Blaine protested, starting to feel annoyed. Sure, the notes might be a bit cheesy, but they had continuously brightened his day, and he wasn’t about to just have them be ridiculed like this. “And whoever is doing this, they’re putting in an effort.”

Sebastian had probably been about to throw out a scathing reply but stopped in his tracks. For just a moment, there was this look again, this vulnerability, and Blaine wanted to take it back, just wipe that expression off his face. By the time Sebastian regained his composure, Blaine had reached out to take his hand.

“It’s nothing,” he said.

Sebastian frowned, first looking at their hands, then at Blaine’s face, as if he was trying to decipher a riddle. Whatever he was looking for, he seemed to find it.

“It’s getting late,” Sebastian said eventually, giving him an out.

And yet…

“Do you want to come up?” Blaine asked.

Sebastian smiled, an actual, soft smile. He put one hand onto Blaine’s neck, carefully threading his fingers through the curls, before leaning in. Blaine felt himself being pushed against the building’s front door, his lips opening up under the kiss. Eventually, he turned his head.

“Come on then,” he muttered, turning to unlock the door before leading Sebastian up the stairs and into his apartment.

It was easy, letting Sebastian in like this. At least it was easier than thinking about just what in the world he was doing. But it had always been like this with Sebastian, just acting and feeling was the easiest thing in the world, as long as he didn’t think about it. They fit, in a way Blaine hadn’t experienced with anyone else. From the first time he’d allowed himself to let it happen, he and Sebastian had just clicked. Even with Kurt, there had been some awkwardness the first few times they got intimate. Blaine didn’t even want to think about that one time at Mr. Schue’s first attempt at a wedding, when he and Kurt had hooked up outside of their relationship – without love, it had just been too awkward, too weird to go back for more. But with Sebastian… it had just fit immediately. From the first time, Sebastian had been able to play him like an instrument. As long as he wasn’t thinking, Blaine could just let himself sink onto the sensation.

Too bad he never had been quite able to make himself stop thinking. Because then it would be easy to ignore how he’d felt seeing Sebastian with some other guy only a few days ago. Then he could silence that voice that asked how many other people Sebastian was kissing like this, touching like this. Did this mean anything to Sebastian?

What did this mean to Blaine?

Why did he keep coming back to this, when he always thought of himself as a romantic? Why was this strange friends-with-benefits thing the most stable relationship he managed to have? Was this really what he wanted? Sebastian wasn’t his boyfriend, and that wasn’t going to change. Sebastian didn’t like relationships. The few months they managed back in high school were probably a miracle, that might just have worked because they were aware of the expiration date. And they couldn’t just go back to that. Not that Blaine wanted that, it was just that…

That…

“I feel like I need to up my game,” Sebastian muttered against his ear.

“What?”

“You’re thinking so loud that _my_ head is starting to fume.”

To his frustration, Sebastian had stopped that thing he was doing to the spot behind his ear and looked down at him, just a hint of worry in his eyes.

“B? You okay?”

Did Sebastian want to talk about this? _Now? _He never wanted to talk, why would he start now? Talking was bad… if they started talking, then they’d have to define whatever they were doing here, and Blaine knew that this wouldn’t lead to good things. So instead of going for it, he shook his head.

“Just… just kiss me,” he said.

Sebastian frowned, but complied. It didn’t take much effort to get him engaged again. Blaine tried to banish the thoughts running wild in his head. But even as he let himself drown in Sebastian, his touches, his scent, he couldn’t completely push out that one question.

What was he doing?

* * *

Monday had come, and Blaine felt nervous from the moment he entered Hawkings. Every moment he expected to be summoned back to Sanders’ office, and he had no idea what he would say then. Once his first lesson was over, he got some relief when a coworker mentioned the principal was on some sort of conference for the first half of the week. At least that gave him some more time to figure out what he wanted. But even though the pressure was gone, he still felt insecure for the rest of the day. Kurt’s text to meet at the coffee shop had almost been a relief – at least this could serve as a distraction from the decision he had to make. Or the question just what on earth he was doing with Sebastian.

When he arrived at the coffee shop, he found he was actually there first. He stood in line, getting their usual order, and by the time he got the cups, Kurt had arrived and reserved them a table already.

“I have great news!” was out of Kurt’s mouth as soon as Blaine had even gotten into earshot.

Blaine raised his eyebrows. “Do tell.” Apparently, this would be distracting.

Kurt blushed, as if he was a bit embarrassed about his eagerness. After Blaine put down the cups, Kurt took his messenger bag, putting it down on the unoccupied third seat, before turning back to him, beaming as if he’d just met Anna Wintour herself.

“I got the part!”

The grin that formed on Blaine’s face was involuntary. “That’s amazing, congratulations! You really deserve it.”

“You have no idea how much I’ve been waiting for a role like this,” Kurt said, the words bubbling out of him. “You wouldn’t understand, but it’s kind of challenging to get parts when you’re not the same old standard everyone’s casting, so to get one of the leads, it’s… I can’t even describe it.”

Blaine frowned, not sure if that had been some sort of dig against him, but decided to let it go.

“And to think that my biggest role so far is as part of a gay couple… it’s kind of perfect, isn’t it?”

“It really is,” Blaine agreed. “I think you’ll do really great. I mean, I only read parts of the script, but the role really suits you.”

“I know! It’s such a pity though that you didn’t come to the audition. Just imagine how perfect this would be if we were both cast as co-stars,” Kurt said.

“I don’t know,” Blaine said. “I’m sure they’re going to cast someone who’ll do a great job. Besides, I’ve been thinking a lot about that teaching position.”

“But why?” Kurt asked.

“Why not? Teaching is a great career,” Blaine said.

“Well, there’s obviously nothing wrong with teaching,” Kurt said, “but is that really what you want to do with your life? It just seems like such a waste. You’re too talented to not show it to the world. Don’t you remember, back when you came to New York? Even June Dolloway was impressed by you.”

Blaine rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the old sting of bitterness. “And that lasted for all of… what, a whole month?”

“So she was kind of flighty,” Kurt said, shrugging the counter off effortlessly, “but you were talented enough to catch her eye. Just think how far you would have made it already if you’d stayed at NYADA…”

Blaine had always thought changing schools to NYU had been one of his better decisions. NYADA had been too much of a shark tank for his tastes. He had just never been ruthless enough to actually make it there. Of course, it had been a completely different experience for Kurt and Rachel.

“The point is, I didn’t stay at NYADA,” Blaine said, “I got a teaching degree that I’m barely using. And I’m just wondering how long I want to wait for a big break to come, or if I should just start making decisions on what’s real.”

“Did you ever notice that you have a tendency to self-sabotage?” Kurt asked. “You keep doing that, anytime you get scared of the things you actually want you take a step back, instead of going for it.”

“That’s not… I don’t _always_ do that,” Blaine protested. He felt more as if he couldn’t figure out what he wanted in the first place. He thought back to last Friday night, how his mind had started running in circles even under Sebastian’s touch. Was that self-sabotage, too? Could a little more courage get this whole mess sorted? He thought back to the guy Sebastian had been with at the bar. No, this was far beyond his own issues.

“You just have to figure out what you want and go for it,” Kurt said, “and honestly, I think the first step for that is to get you back on stage. It’s where you belong, Blaine. Just think about it.”

“I…” Blaine was just about to protest, when he heard the familiar chirp of his cellphone from his messenger bag. Kurt noticed too, opening the bag to retrieve the item.

“What’s that?” Kurt asked. Out of the bag, he took Blaine’s phone, and a piece of paper.

Blaine frowned, taking both items. His phone only showed a notification about some spam mail, but the paper was indeed new. Carefully, he unfolded it.

_Dear, when I from thee am gone_   
_ Gone are all my joys at once_   
_ I loved thee and thee alone_   
_ In whose love I joyed once_

Underneath, there was the by now familiar signature of a heart and an X.

“Who is it from?” Kurt asked. There was more excitement than Blaine would have expected, especially after Sebastian’s reaction had been so negative.

“I don’t know,” he answered. “I’ve been finding them lately, almost every other day. No idea who wrote them, but… Well, they’re kind of sweet.”

“They are, aren’t they?” Kurt asked. “But you must have some clue on who wrote them, right?”

Blaine shook his head. “I thought about it, but I really can’t think of anyone. I mean, it can’t be someone from Hawkings. I really don’t think anybody in dance class has an eye on me. I haven’t exactly been dating lately… I’ve mostly been hanging out with you guys.” And Sebastian, as a treacherous voice at the back of his mind added. But that couldn’t be it... could it? “I don’t know, I honestly have no idea. But… right now, I don’t really need to. I just like the idea of it for now.”

“It has something… special, doesn’t it? Almost magical,” Kurt said.

Blaine grinned. It was nice to find some enthusiasm about this. And yes, it did make him feel special. He kind of missed that feeling.

“And that’s just what it would be like to get you back on stage. Just the sprinkle of magic your life needs right now!”

The way Kurt said it, it almost made sense.

“I don’t know, Kurt. It’s not exactly the same thing,” he said.

“You’ll see once you’re on stage,” Kurt replied.

“I’m kind of burnt out on auditions at the moment,” Blaine said.

“One more chance, Blaine. They’re holding auditions for Ryan the next two days and I can guarantee you a spot. Give it a try, Blaine. One more time?”

He still felt hesitant. But on the other hand, it wasn’t like it could do any harm. So eventually, he sighed. “Fine. I’ll go.”

* * *

Meeting for a drink after dance class had become a tradition, at least with Kurt, Rachel, Santana and Brittany. About once a month, they were joined by Artie and Jesse. While Sebastian had a standing invitation from both Blaine and Santana to this “Ohio Hangout”, he usually found excuses not to come along, ranging from thought through to ridiculous. By now, Blaine didn’t really expect to see him – he did join them sometimes, but about once in a blue moon. Well, tonight apparently was one of those moons, as Blaine noticed when Sebastian showed up somewhere halfway through his first drink. He ignored the way Kurt glared at the newcomer as Sebastian pulled him into a one-armed hug that lasted maybe a bit too long, before sitting down close enough that their thighs were still touching. Santana shot Sebastian a mocking look, that still betrayed more fondness than she would have admitted, before she smirked and whispered something into Brittany’s ear. Rachel looked insecure in how to react to what sounded like an almost completely unsarcastic compliment on her latest performance as Eliza Hamilton, and seemed to look to Kurt for guidance, who was still glaring. Artie didn’t seem to have a problem with Sebastian, fortunately, and Jesse actually seemed to like him. Blaine was never quite sure whether that was something reassuring or concerning, although it was just one more point in which Rachel’s boyfriend reminded him way too much of Cooper.

“So, what are you celebrating?” Sebastian asked, raising an eyebrow at the few glasses of champagne standing on the table, as if he was above it. Blaine could see through that look anytime, and pushed his own glass into his hand, offering a sip. The jerk almost emptied it. “Oh, and with the good stuff. Somebody won the lottery?”

“If you have to know,” Kurt said, his voice somewhere between pure sugar and toxin, “I got cast as one of the leads in Waterfalls.”

“Huh, didn’t know that had a female lead.”

Blaine wished he could bury his head in his hands. Instead he pushed his elbow into his friend’s side, hoping to shut him up.

“For your information, I’m playing Leo,” Kurt snapped.

Sebastian rolled his eyes, even as he subtly let his hand wander onto Blaine’s back. “Relax, I was kidding.”

“Jesse actually knows the producer. His name’s Corbyn, they went to Carmel together,” Rachel said. She sounded eager, and Blaine wasn’t quite sure whether that was her pride in Jesse or an attempt to prevent a fight breaking out. “Anyway, that play is such a great opportunity for you, Kurt. We’re all really proud of you,” Rachel said. She frowned at Sebastian. “Well… most of us.”

“And I didn’t even tell you the best part. Guess who’s going to play Ryan?” Kurt asked.

Blaine bit his lip, trying to swallow down the disappointment before it could really form. This was why he didn’t like auditions, he reminded himself. They were the same – sitting around with half a dozen people that looked just like him, then waiting forever, only to hear that once more he wasn’t what people were looking for. He’d actually had a good feeling about this audition, but clearly, his instinct had been wrong.

“They already decided on someone?” Jesse asked. “I thought the auditions are still going on?”

“Well, there’s no official decision of course, but from my sources they had a clear favorite,” Kurt said. His grin wide, but there was a threatening spark n his eyes. And suddenly, Blaine could see what was coming. Kurt was looking at him, beaming widely. “They absolutely loved you.”

“You auditioned?” Rachel asked. “That’s amazing!”

Blaine molded his face into a smile, hoping to look as enthusiastic as she seemed, even as he felt Sebastian stiffen beside him.

“Easy, Baby Streisand, sounds like he doesn’t have the role yet anywhere outside of Ladylips’ imagination,” Santana said.

“You didn’t mention an audition,” Sebastian said, his voice so soft that Blaine wasn’t sure it was meant to be heard by anyone else.

“It was kind of spontaneous,” Blaine replied “I’m not so sure if it works out though, so… maybe we shouldn’t jinx it? For now, let’s focus on Kurt – you know, the one who actually got cast?”

“Nonsense, of course we’re celebrating this together,” Kurt said. “Trust me, it’s a matter of time.”

“You would be so amazing,” Rachel agreed. “And this will just be the beginning. I can’t wait to see the two of you back on stage again.”

Sebastian was tapping a finger against his glass. “What about Hawkings?”

Blaine ducked his head. “I mean, I haven’t made a final decision yet. But it shouldn’t be a problem. The rehearsals will be done halfway through summer break and by the time the school year picks up, there’ll only be evening shows, so I should be able to do both.”

The tapping slowed down at least. ”You shouldn’t wait too long to give them an answer,” Sebastian said.

“It’s not like he needs the job,” Kurt replied, his voice a bit more cutting than necessary. “This will just be the beginning of Blaine’s career, and this whole teaching thing will just be a footnote in his CV.”

Blaine frowned. Teaching might not be as glamorous as acting, and not what he had imagined he’d be doing as a teenager, but it was definitely more important than a mere footnote.

“Guys, calm down,” Jesse said. “I talked to Corbyn earlier, he said they haven’t made a decision yet. There are a few guys he was impressed with, they’re still thinking about it. Just… have some patience, okay?”

Blaine wondered if it would be worth mentioning that he hadn’t been the one to bring it up. He really would have been completely fine with never even speaking of the audition. Then again, he started to remember just why there weren’t too many occasions when all of them hung out together.

“Besides,” Artie said, “would it really be such a good idea for you two to play Ryan and Leo? From what I remember about the plot, they have quite the… complicated chemistry.”

“Well, if there’s one thing we have is chemistry,” Kurt said. “We were a couple, remember?”

“That doesn’t always translate into stage chemistry,” Jesse argued. “I mean, yeah, sure these two, I see it.” He gestured to where Sebastian was half pressed against Blaine’s side. “But you two? I don’t know. Could be difficult.”

Kurt’s jaw almost hit the table. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Rachel shot Jesse a warning look, before turning back to her best friend. “He probably means that it’s sometimes hard for exes to find old chemistry again.”

Jesse looked as if he was about to protest, but thankfully, he kept his mouth shut. Artie too seemed to consider if this argument was worth pursuing, before he focused on his drink again.

“Some chemistry is too strong to fade,” Kurt said. He looked around, clearly hoping for support. Blaine decided this was the perfect moment to check his phone. At least it was an excuse to avoid eye contact. But just as he opened his messenger bag, he once more noticed a piece of paper he hadn’t seen before.

Curious, he took it out and unfolded it, trying to ignore the way Sebastian seemed to straighten or almost glare at the paper as if it had personally offended him.

_Come again_   
_ Sweet love doth now invite_   
_ Thy graces that refrain_   
_ To do me due delight_   
_ To see, to hear_   
_ To touch, to kiss_   
_ To die with thee again_   
_ In sweetest sympathy_

Once more, the signature was a heart and an X.

“What’s that?” Brittany asked.

“Another note?” Kurt sounded almost as enthusiastic as he had about Blaine’s supposed role.

“Okay, if any of you clowns is starting to pass notes like we’re in class, you’re all banned from my studio,” Santana said.

“It’s just a note,” Blaine said, “a poem.”

“Blaine has a secret admirer,” Kurt added.

“More like a stalker,” Sebastian muttered. “Seriously, how are you not creeped out? How did this get in there?”

“Maybe whoever it is, is very determined,” Kurt said.

“So like a stalker,” Sebastian replied.

“It’s not a stalker,” Blaine protested. “…I think. It’s just poems, Sebastian. It’s not like he’s writing that he knows where I live or watches me sleep or something.”

Sebastian snatched the paper right out of Blaine’s hand, reading the lines.

He raised an eyebrow. “_To die with thee again_?” he quoted

“It’s by Dowland, you uncultured swine,” Kurt said.

“It’s also creepy,” Sebastian insisted.

“Will you two stop already?” Blaine asked, the frustration obvious in his voice as much as he tried to keep it down.

Rachel carefully took the paper out of his hand, reading it for herself. “It’s from a song, isn’t it? I think it’s romantic,” she said. “Whoever it is, they’re really going out of their way for you, Blaine.”

“Just keep an eye on whether it’s getting too creepy,” Jesse said. “Romance is nice, but… things can get out of control.”

“Besides, creepy or romantic often depends on who’s behind it,” Artie said. “The same thing can come off either ridiculously sweet or just gross and creepy, depending on if you like them or not.”

“I can tell you what I don’t like, cheese on paper,” Santana said wrinkling her nose. “Are they all like that? Gross. Although hey, I see how Danny Zuko here would be into that.”

“How can a secret admirer be creepy?” Kurt asked, still annoyed.

“Remind me how not creepy it was back in high school when you found out _your_ secret admirer was the guy who spent like a year bullying you,” Santana replied.

Blaine quickly tore the note out of Rachel’s hand and stuffed it back into a pocket. “Alright, I think I’ve had enough for tonight. Besides, I’ve got a class tomorrow.”

“But we’re not done celebrating,” Rachel protested.

Blaine turned to Kurt with an apologetic face. “Rain check?”

Kurt’s smile was a bit too raw, and Blaine really wished Santana would sometimes just keep her mouth shut, but then he nodded. “Just be sure to call me when they inevitably offer you the role.”

“Sure, see you guys around,” Blaine said, putting enough money for his drink onto the table.

He had only taken a few steps out of the bar, when he noticed he was being followed.

“You don’t have to leave just because I do,” he said.

He could hear the eye-roll in Sebastian’s voice. “Like I have so much in common with your friends. No, I’d rather make sure you get home safely.”

Now Blaine was the one rolling his eyes. “Ever the gentleman,” he said, his voice heavy with sarcasm, but slowed down until Sebastian fell into step beside him. “You don’t have to antagonize them all the time, you know?”

“It’s more fun this way,” Sebastian said. He looked at Blaine sideways, as if he was pondering if he wanted to say something. It took a bit longer than expected until he actually spoke. “Look, I’m sorry.”

Blaine looked up in surprise. “What for?”

“What I said. About those notes. I mean, I still think they’re kind of creepy. But… you seem happy about them. So I shouldn’t have dumped on that. Sorry.”

Blaine looked up at him, not sure what to make of it. Sebastian rarely apologized, but every single on he received had always been sincere. Blaine knew how hard it was to open up, show vulnerability. Lately, it felt like he was seeing more of it. But why? What was he missing in Sebastian’s life? And what kind of friend was he that he didn’t know? How could he even consider being more when he failed as even a friend?

Why did Sebastian care, anyway?

Much too soon, they ended up in front of his doorstep. For a moment, Blaine wondered whether he should have said earlier that he wasn’t in the mood for anything, but apparently, it hadn’t been necessary. Sebastian said good night, kissing both his cheeks, before turning around to leave. As Blaine watched him walk away, he felt the sudden urge to call him back, ask him to come up and just see what would happen. Instead, he unlocked the door and walked inside, the two points on his cheeks burning. Upstairs, he read the note again. Somehow, it seemed to have lost its magic. For a moment he wondered whether Sebastian had really been able to disenchant the whole thing with a few choice words. But it wasn’t the words. It was all about who they came from, although it took Blaine even longer to understand why.

He had thought about who the admirer could be – guys that might be interested in him, that were around him, that might even have the opportunity to slip him all these notes. He hadn’t been able to figure it out. There wasn’t anyone he could think of. But after all these comments, one thing was unmistakably clear.

It was not Sebastian.


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I’m not as brave as you are! I’m sorry I actually care about what my family thinks of me! I’m sorry I wasn’t kicked out, that I never had to fight like you did, I’m sorry I’m still talking to them! But here’s the thing you don’t understand – I’m not you. And I’m so sorry, if that’s too much for you to bear!”

Blaine was almost out of breath after this rant, but the glare he fixed Kurt with still had the intensity of rage. He was almost surprised to see the same fury reflected back at him.

“Sorry?! I wish my life had been as easy as yours. Have you ever had to fight for _anything_? Like you didn’t get whatever you wanted the second you wanted it. How the hell could you understand what it’s like for me?”

Blaine shook his head, leaning back for a second as if he wanted to step back, but then took a step forward instead. “Easy? You think it’s easy, always having to hide a part of yourself, because you know they would never accept you if they knew?”

Kurt didn’t hold back at all. “At least you had that option!” His voice was piercing, just bordering on shrill. “You can always just hide and pretend. I never could. Everyone knew immediately. They knew before I did! But at least I’m honest, unlike you!”

Blaine gasped, allowing hurt and heartbreak flash over his face for just a second. “I never lied to _you_,” he said, letting his voice crack just ever so slightly.

“No,” Kurt said, his voice too now hollow, the fire from just a moment before completely gone. Instead, he sounded tired. “Only to yourself.”

For a moment, there was silence. It was finally broken by Jesse’s friend Corbyn.

“Well, Kurt didn’t promise too much. That was intense, not bad.”

Blaine had almost forgotten that they were standing on a stage, or that there were people watching them. He subtly took a few breaths, before he smiled. So far, this callback was working out pretty well. They had liked him well enough to arrange a reading to gauge their stage chemistry. If their expressions were anything to go by, this had worked pretty well.

“Told you,” Kurt muttered.

“Well, you clearly bring out the complicated aspects,” one of the other producers said. “But we also need some plain old romantic chemistry. Can we see the garden party scene? Page eleven, please.”

“Um, sure,” Blaine said, quickly turning towards the page. He quickly scanned over the text, although he still remembered most of it. He started to control his breathe – 4 seconds in, 2 second pause, 4 seconds out. The fight scene had been almost too easy by channeling the turmoil in his mind. But the garden party scene? It followed the first meeting of the two protagonists at a garden party, to which Ryan was invited as the date of Leo’s childhood friend Michelle – and also Leo making the first move on his future boyfriend. It was supposed to be a fun, flirtatious scene, laying the foundation for the relationship.

Blaine hadn’t felt less flirtatious in ages. But that was the point, wasn’t it? Being an actor. So he put on his show face and began.

“Is she always that spontaneous?” he asked, looking over Kurt’s shoulder where in the scene Ryan’s girlfriend Michelle would walk off stage.

Kurt chuckled. “You’ll get used to her. Then again… who knows?”

Blaine frowned, looking around as if uncertain. “Maybe I should be going too. I don’t really know anyone around here.”

“Nonsense. It’s a garden party. It’s the perfect opportunity to get to know people. And I have a feeling there are some people very interested in meeting you.”

Blaine looked up, trying to show surprise. It didn’t help that when he looked up into Kurt’s face he suddenly felt returned to a bedroom in Ohio, trying to get his then friend to give him appropriate, ‘sexy’ show faces. And of course, he’d been a complete idiot himself back then, which made him cringe, which was so not the emotion needed from Ryan right now. This was the start of the flirtation between their characters, the intrigue that would lead Ryan to not only break up with his new girlfriend but try to come out. There had to be tension, emotion, fun… It should be an easy, flirtatious scene…

And he was overthinking it to the point that he forgot where he was in the script. He checked again, tried to calm down. What was he doing? Why was he acting like a complete amateur? If this was his best, then maybe he shouldn’t be an actor after all…

“So you’ve known Michelle for a long time, haven’t you?” he asked, and at least the helplessness Ryan felt came across.

Kurt came closer, brushing a hand over his arm. “Let’s not talk about her. I think there are a million things running through your head that have absolutely nothing to do with Michelle.”

Blaine gulped, following the stage instructions by letting his gaze drop to Kurt’s lips. The smile looked wrong, he didn’t show a smile like that back then. Maybe it was supposed to be seductive – or maybe Blaine should focus on his own acting choices.

“Um… maybe where I can get another beer?“

Another chuckle, and the hand on his arm stroked upwards. “Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. Just come with me.”

“Thank you, boys.” The interruption of Corbyn’s voice was almost welcome.

When Blaine looked back to Kurt, his face showed barely veiled concern and confusion. Well, who could blame him? The scene had been way off. Blaine almost didn’t dare to look at Corbyn and the others, but eventually forced himself. Corbyn looked at him puzzled, while his colleague Wallace was frowning.

“That was an interesting choice…” Corbyn said, using interesting in the same way Blaine himself usually used when commenting on Brittany’s attempts at cooking.

Wallace was clearly less subtle. “What was up with that, did you two use to sleep together?”

Blaine felt the blood rush into his face. He suddenly wondered why he had ever thought that going back to auditions was a good idea.

“Let’s try this one more time,” Corbyn said. “But less… awkward, if you manage.”

“You can do this,” Kurt muttered. “Come on, Blaine. Just… remember high school? Just think back on how easy everything was back then, you’ll be fine.”

Blaine closed his eyes as he started to calm his breathing. He had tried that already, but it hadn’t worked. He couldn’t just conjure up their old relationship, as if he’d just put it on a shelf to pick back up at some other time. That wasn’t how he worked.

But couldn’t he just conjure up that feeling of being in love? He tried again, looking into Kurt’s eyes as his friend spoke the first lines from the script, and tried to channel old feelings. But it was hard, while looking at Kurt and remembering all that had happened since high school. They weren’t the same people, and the old feelings just weren’t there. It was too complicated.

He closed his eyes again, trying to remember the last time he had felt it – heart racing, palms sweaty, and just the taste of adrenaline, of what could be, what was to come…

Green eyes flashed through his mind.

He did know this from high school. In a flash, he realized why the garden party scene felt so familiar. He’d been Ryan in that scene – happy in a relationship, only to meet someone tempting, intriguing. But if he was Ryan in that scene, his Leo hadn’t been Kurt, but Sebastian. He tried to remember that feeling, and found it surprisingly easy. For a moment, he closed his eyes and tried to replicate it. It wasn’t quite the same situation – he’d been happy in his relationship, whereas in the play Ryan’s flirtation with Michelle had just begun – but it was close enough. He opened his eyes again, looking up at Kurt while barely seeing him, and began. Showtime.

“Is she always that spontaneous?” Blaine asked. This time, he put fondness into his voice, with just an edge hinting at the unease he’d feel. He kept the edge of discomfort, but tried to play up the intrigue. The Ryan he tried to portrait was conflicted, clearly attracted to the stranger flirting with him, while genuinely fond of the girl that had invited him here.

The scene felt shorter this time, even though they got further into the script before Corbyn interrupted them once more. Blaine wasn’t sure what to expect, but this must have been better than his former attempt. First, he looked up to see Kurt’s reaction. It wasn’t exactly encouraging. His friend looked a bit taken aback, and not in a good way.

In one single second, Blaine realized he had messed it up. This had been his chance, and although he hadn’t even been sure he’d want that role if Kurt hadn’t pushed him, he was suddenly filled with dread.

“Well… that was not what I expected,” Corbyn finally said.

Blaine dared to look now, and was surprised to see both Corbyn and Wallace looking at him frowning. His heart sank even further.

“Well, it was less awkward,” Wallace said. Blaine tried to convince himself that he at least sounded interested. “I mean, the garden scene is pretty straightforward. Unusual to see a different spin on it.”

“Pretty straightforward, yes,” Corbyn said. He sounded a bit absent-minded. “Interesting acting choice.”

Blaine tried to smile, but it couldn’t be more than a grimace.

“We can try again,” Kurt said quickly, and Blaine felt a rush of gratitude.

“No, thank you,” Corbyn said. “I think we’ve seen enough. Thank you for your time. Kurt, if you’d stay behind, we’d like you to read with the next candidate.”

And that was it, a dismissal that couldn’t be clearer. Blaine remembered enough of his manners to say his goodbyes, before leaving the auditorium and then fleeing the building. He almost wished he hadn’t gone to the callback in the first place. He tried to ignore the way Kurt had looked at him, or the tone in the producers’ voices. He left the building, trying to think of what to do next, when a way too cheery voice interrupted his thoughts.

“So? How did it go?”

Blaine looked up to find Rachel waiting for him. He frowned, surprised to see her.

“Kurt told me you had a callback and I just had to check,” she explained. Her broad smile faltered when she got a good look at his face. “Oh no. You’re making that face. What happened?”

Blaine tried to gather the thoughts in his mind. “It could have gone better,” he said, eventually.

Rachel, to her credit, didn’t ask further questions, but instead stepped forward and hugged him. Blaine pulled her against him, allowing himself just a little bit of comfort.

“We could get some vegan frozen yoghurt,” Rachel suggested. “We deserve a cheat day.”

“Sounds wonderful,” Blaine replied.

“So what went wrong?” Rachel asked as they started to walk.

“Well, it started out fine. I think the juicy parts could actually be really good. But they made us read the garden party scene,” he said.

“But that’s such a fun scene,” Rachel said, “shouldn’t that be right up your alley?”

Blaine shrugged. “Apparently, flirty romantic scenes aren’t my thing.”

She looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Flirty romantic scenes involving my ex-boyfriend,” Blaine amended his statement.

Rachel frowned. “But… you’re still close,” she said. “I mean, I get how it could be difficult. I guess I just always thought you and Kurt could make it work…”

“Apparently not,” Blaine said. “And we’re not that close. I mean, we’re friends, yes, but we’re not nearly as close as we were back in high school, even before we were together.”

“I wondered why that is,” Rachel said. “Back then, I could have sworn you have some kind of telepathy with Kurt. But lately, it feels like that has kind of… shifted.”

Blaine’s step faltered. “What do you mean?”

She shook her head. “It’s nothing, forget I said anything.”

“Rachel, come on!”

She sighed. “Don’t tell him I said anything,” she demanded.

“I promise. Now, what do you mean?”

“It’s just… back then, you were so in synch, even before you got together. And when you were both at McKinley, I totally believed the whole soulmate thing. But then we went to New York, and you two just… faded.”

“That wasn’t exactly my fault,” Blaine said. He was almost surprised to realize there was no bitterness in his words. Losing that closeness had been a sore spot for a long time, but apparently he’d gotten over it.

“I know,” Rachel said, “I wasn’t blaming you. It’s just so easy to get wrapped up in New York when you come here from Lima, Ohio. And long-distance is usually a bad idea anyway… but that’s not even what I meant. At McKinley, you two were just wrapped up in each other, then Kurt moved and got wrapped up in New York, and you… well, you had senior year, and the New New Directions, and Sebastian… And when you came to New York, there was just too much space between you.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” Blaine said. “You got it wrong. We didn’t get wrapped up in each other. I got wrapped up in Kurt. I was getting so wrapped up in him that I kind of lost track of who I am. Just look how it went once he came here. I didn’t even have any real friends left, because I abandoned my friends at Dalton and never bothered to make friends at McKinley outside of Kurt. Well, except for you, but you were gone as well.”

“But Sebastian-“

“We weren’t talking at the time. I ran into him a while before Kurt and I broke up, that’s when we got back in touch. But my point is, it took breaking up with Kurt until I could find myself again. And yeah, looking back that was a good thing. Our relationship… wasn’t working anymore. And it wasn’t healthy for me. We’re better off as friends.”

Rachel looked at him with just the slightest frown, but she nodded. “You thought a lot about this,” she commented.

Blaine shrugged, slightly embarrassed about the outburst.

She sighed, but then she stepped closer to him, letting her head rest against his shoulder. “I’m glad you had people looking out for you,” she said softly. “Even if some of them are jerks.”

“Me too,” Blaine said. He had a sudden, strong memory of that night when he’d run into Sebastian, when he had been on the way to what could have been the biggest mistake of his life, meeting some guy whose name he couldn’t even remember now, for what he back then had told himself were innocent reasons that could have only lead to disaster. He’d been haunted, feeling like a ghost. Weeks later, Sebastian had admitted he’d been honestly scared for him.

It really hadn’t been his best day.

“I’m also glad I’ve got you guys around now,” Blaine said. He had missed this, talking freely to Rachel. He knew she’d always be Kurt’s friend first, but it was nice that a high school break up hadn’t cost him this particular friendship.

They walked in silence until they arrived at the frozen yoghurt shop – and Blaine had to smile as he remembered just how ecstatic Rachel had been back then at the concept of vegan frozen yoghurt – and Blaine opened his bag to get out his wallet.

Once more, there was a paper slipped into his bag. Maybe that should concern him a bit.

Rachel, too, had seen it. “Is this a new one?” she asked.

“Apparently,” he said, unfolding it carefully.

_When you sing…_  
When you sing…  
Stars fill up my eyes  
Galaxies pour down my cheeks  
Galaxies, they flood the street  
Galaxies...

As the others, it was signed with a heart and an x.

“It’s sweet, isn’t it?” Rachel smiled up at him. But there seemed to be some doubt in her expression, as if she wasn’t sure how he’d react.

Blaine tried to put on a wide smile, but her frown told him she could see through it.

“Don’t you think so?” Rachel asked.

Blaine shrugged. “It’s just… I don’t know. I guess it’s losing the magic.”

“But they’re still lovely,” Rachel said.

“I have no idea who they’re from,” Blaine replied. Only an idea who it wasn’t from… and unfortunately, he was starting to understand just why that bothered him. “I get that whoever he is, he’s really putting in the effort. But… it would suck to get invested only then to realize that there’s no chemistry. Or that maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. Or anything else. It’s just… I don’t know.”

Rachel frowned. “Maybe they’ll give you a clue soon?” she suggested. “Or arrange a meeting?”

Blaine shrugged. “Maybe. But I don’t exactly feel hopeful today.”

He tried to convince himself the look in her eyes wasn’t pure pity. She seemed to want to say something more, but he never found out what. Instead, she took his hand and pulled him towards the counter.

“What you need in your life right now is frozen yoghurt.”

* * *

A free Friday afternoon had become much more common than Blaine would have expected back in school. The more uncommon occurrence was to have Sebastian spend it in his kitchen. He’d been in court today, and with Blaine’s apartment in walking distance, he’d decided to stop by afterwards for a cup of coffee or two, and to share the latest court madness.

Watching way too much Law&Order growing up, Blaine had assumed lawyers were spending most of their time in court. The reality of Sebastian’s career had proven to be kind of disappointing in that regard – he seemed to spend much more time in meetings and conferences, or in his office doing research. But the few court appearances he had, often led to entertaining stories that he managed to present in a way Blaine usually couldn’t stop listening to.

Of course, usually, he wasn’t preoccupied with the question what went wrong in his life that had brought him here, caught between a teaching job he wasn’t sure could be enough, and an acting career that seemed to reject him like a failed kidney transplant, and to make it worse, probably-maybe in love with the least committing person he knew. He really should have figured out this one sooner, but as it turned out, it had taken the disappointment of realizing that Sebastian wasn’t sending him notes, to understand just what he was feeling. Then again, he’d never been the most perceptive when it came to romance.

“Of course, that was the point when the judge snapped his fingers and half the people present dissolved into dust. I mean, I was lucky, but don’t ask how you can get this kind of dust out of a suit…”

Wait, what?

Blaine stared at Sebastian in confusion, only to find his friend watching him with a single raised eyebrow.

“Oh, so you _were_ listening,” he said, just an edge of sarcasm in his voice.

“Sorry, I was… distracted,” Blaine said. “It’s been a long week.” It was probably smarter not to mention that the thing he’d been initially distracted by had been the movement of Sebastian’s lips. He was in that kind of trouble.

“You’re usually so into court stories,” Sebastian said, a frown etching into his face. “What’s going on with you?”

“It’s nothing…”

“Is it the stalker? Are you finally getting creeped out?”

“It’s not a stalker,” Blaine replied, now starting to frown himself.

“Then what? Did you go to another audition?”

Blaine looked up into his eyes. “I… did, actually. Well, a callback. It was weird.”

“What play?” Sebastian asked.

“Waterfalls? The one Kurt told me about,” Blaine said.

“The big dramatic gay romance thing?” Sebastian asked. “Kind of cliché, isn’t it?”

Blaine shrugged. “A little bit maybe, but it’d be a good opportunity. Not that it matters, I don’t think I convinced anyone with that callback.”

Sebastian watched him with an unreadable expression. “They’d be idiots not to cast you.”

“I don’t think so,” Blaine said, “I mean, I think I could play the part pretty well. But it’s kind of awkward playing that kind of role opposite your ex-boyfriend. Our chemistry was completely off. It was fine for the fight scene, but the romantic one? Disaster.”

“I’m pretty sure that can’t be blamed on you,” Sebastian said, winking at him.

It was cheesy and exaggerated, exactly the kind of gesture that anybody else would consider douchey, and yet Sebastian had always gotten under his skin with them. A week ago, Blaine would have laughed and grinned at him. Now, it only remined him more into what kind of mess he’d gotten himself.

“Anyway, I can pretty much forget that role,” Blaine said, trying to sound unbothered. “I even tried to pretend I’m just playing opposite someone else, nothing helped.”

“Are you sure it was that bad?” Sebastian asked.

Blaine sighed, dropping his head into the table. “They said it was _interesting_,” he whined.

“Ouch,” Sebastian said. Blaine could basically feel the look on his face – a mix of amusement and pity, with an underlying fondness that Sebastian seemed to reserve for him. By now, he knew the expression well enough to draw it. “But hey, I’m sure you could do worse than pretending to be back together with Lady Hummel”.

“Don’t call him that,” Blaine said, frowning. “And it’s called acting. …also, what do you care?”

He didn’t, of course. Sebastian and Kurt were just both still feeding from their high school rivalry. It would be frustrating if they weren’t so excellent at avoiding any time spent in the same room.

“I care about your career,” Sebastian said, deflecting. “Speaking of which… did you make a decision about Hawkings?”

“I have an appointment with Sanders on Monday,” Blaine said. “I’ll give her my decision then.”

“And what is your decision?” Sebastian asked.

Blaine bit down on his lower lip. That was the prize question, wasn’t it? After the callback he’d been minutes away from calling up Sanders and agree immediately. With some distance, he’d started thinking again. Did he really want the job? Or had that just been a reaction to the audition, running away again before he could be told he wasn’t good enough?

“Did you make a decision?” Sebastian asked when he was silent for too long.

“I… did. Several times. I just keep changing my mind,” Blaine said. He offered a self-deprecating smile, hoping to prevent more questioning.

The frown on Sebastian’s face told him it wasn’t working.

“That offer won’t stay on the table forever,” Sebastian said carefully.

“I know,” Blaine said, “I just… I need to think. I’ve been distracted lately.”

“By what? One audition?” Sebastian asked, his frown getting deeper. “Or your creepy stalker? Is that keeping you up all night?”

Blaine stared at him in confusion. Where was this coming from? He remembered that tone of voice, when Sebastian was just getting ready for attack. He just hadn’t heard it directed at himself in a long time.

“I’m considering what to do with the rest of my life,” he said, trying to put just enough of a warning into his voice so Sebastian would hopefully drop it. “I’m sorry I don’t automatically know which path I want to take. Not everybody has everything figured out like you did.”

“Right,” Sebastian snorted. “Because everything is working out so great for me.”

“Isn’t it?” Blaine asked. “Tell me one aspect of your life that isn’t going exactly as you wanted.”

For just a split of a second, Sebastian stared at him wide-eyed, vulnerable, as if he was actually upset. But before he could try to figure out why, the expression had shifted into a sneer.

“I’m sorry I’m living in the real world, Blaine. But hey, if you want to run after dreams, be my guest.”

Blaine looked up at him, confused and even a bit hurt. “I’ve put a lot of energy into performing,” he said. “I just don’t want to give up again. For once I want to see things through instead of running away.”

“Did you ever consider that maybe you’re running after all the wrong things?” Sebastian asked. “What’s the point in running after things that don’t want you?”

Blaine stopped. He wasn’t sure they were still talking about his career paths. Of course, as far as his romantic prospects were concerned, he was well aware that he couldn’t have what he wanted. But to have it thrown into his face by that very person…

Before he could answer, his phone started to ring. Blaine looked at the display only to find an unknown number. He frowned, answering. It was a surprisingly short conversation, leaving him even more confused than before.

“What was that about?” Sebastian asked.

Blaine blinked at him, slightly perplexed.

“I’ve got the role,” he said. “Apparently they like ‘interesting’. They thought it was a great choice to have Ryan show consideration about Michelle, said it makes the progression more realistic than have a complete 180. So… they cast me.” He laughed, unable to keep it in. He hadn’t expected it, had been sure to be rejected once more. Somehow, it felt surreal. He looked up at Sebastian’s face. Despite the argument he expected a grin, happiness for him, encouragement. Instead, his friend looked as if he’d been slapped.

“Looks like they want me after all,” Blaine said softly.

“Yeah, well, maybe they don’t deserve you,” Sebastian replied. His voice was even softer, as if he hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

Wait, what?

Blaine frowned, not sure what to say to that. “What is going on here, Bas?” he asked eventually. There was clearly something he was missing.

“It’s… I thought you wanted something real,” Sebastian said.

“This is real,” Blaine replied. “Acting is real, the arts are real to me, you _know _that.”

“You just made your choice, didn’t you?”

It was as if they were having another, completely different conversation at the same time, and Blaine didn’t understand a word of it. “I can do both,” he said. “I told you, everything with the play will be settled. I can do the play and take the teaching job.”

Sebastian shook his head. “You won’t, though. The offer’s been on the table for so long… if you wanted it, you would have gone for it.” With a sigh, he rummaged in his pocket, then threw a piece of paper on the table. “There.”

Blaine frowned, taking it up and unfolding it. There it was, the familiar signature of a heart and an x, but instead of a quote or some verses, there was the name of a restaurant, the date of next Friday, and the time 7 pm. He looked up at Sebastian in confusion. It made no sense. “Wait… are… are _you…_?”

Sebastian snorted. “Don’t embarrass yourself,” he said, his voice sharp. “I saw it at your doorstep when we came in. On the inside, by the way. So congrats, your stalker knows where you live.”

Blaine remembered the tone of voice from a million scathing remarks he’d heard from Sebastian, but not used against him. The only time Sebastian had turned against him had been in their senior year, when he’d been defensive, and jealous. He must have forgotten how cutting Sebastian could be…

“But I guess the whole charade will be over soon?” Sebastian continued, glaring at the paper as if it had personally offended him.

“Why are you being like that? What is your problem?”

“_You are_!”

“What the hell did I do?” Blaine shouted back. “What do you care who’s sending me notes, or if I’m meeting them or not? And why are you making such a fuss about me wanting to be an actor? How are you different from Kurt and everyone else, if you’re only acknowledging the parts of me that fit into your own life?”

And that did it. Sebastian’s eyes flashed in anger, the last bit of self-control dissolving. “Don’t you dare compare me to them! They want you to be miserable, just so they can justify their own sorry attempts of having a career. Newsflash, your friends? They don’t care about you. They don’t want you to find something that makes you happy, because if you do, that might show them that they’ve been wasting their life.”

“That’s not true! Rachel is having a career, Mercedes was successful, Kurt is-“

“Kurt threw away a career at Vogue, just to follow this ridiculous idea that he has what it takes to make it on stage,” Sebastian replied, “but no surprises there, that’s kind of his thing, throwing away the best things happening to him. As for your other friends? Fine, I’ll give you Rachel. She’s special, one-of-a-kind, and I’m sure it doesn’t hurt that her boyfriend is a goddamn producer. So fine, one of them made it. Now look at the rest of them. Princess Hummel could have made it at Vogue and declined it to have more times for auditions. How many roles did he have? Just how much money is his dad still sending him? He couldn’t even cover rent without support! Lopez should be doing fine with her wife’s dance studio, and guess what, she would if she didn’t insist on this ridiculous idea of having a movie career. What does she have to show for it? Five commercials! And only two of them were national. Speaking of commercials, how’s your brother doing? Last time I saw him he was miserable, trying to coast off that one sitcom he was in for like two seasons. Sounds great. Look at the rest of them. Mercedes is doing fine because she was smart enough to find something real once she noticed that her singing career wasn’t going to go on forever. Sam forgot about his ridiculous modelling dreams to be a football coach. Elliot got a goddamn haircut and a normal job. What do they have in common? They’re happy. They seem to enjoy themselves. They’re not bitching at everyone else who’s trying to be less miserable than they are. Maybe think about what group you want to be in, Blaine. But don’t expect me to stand at the sideline forever, watching you throw away something real for some ridiculous pipe dream!”

For a moment – minutes, maybe, he couldn’t tell – all Blaine could do was stare at him, unable to form even a thought about what he’d just heard. In the silence, he watched the expression on Sebastian’s face shift, the anger dissolving into an expression of shock, as if he couldn’t believe himself what he just said, and maybe just a hint of guilt. He opened his mouth – to apologize? To take it back? To continue? Either way, it was enough to give Blaine his voice back.

“I… I think you should leave now,” he said. His voice was shaking, but he was honestly surprised that he managed to produce words at all.

Sebastian stared at him, upset, shaking. His mouth was still open, as if he wanted to say something. But Blaine had heard enough from him for today. Maybe forever.

“Now, Sebastian,” he said softly. There wasn’t much conviction in his voice, but apparently, it was enough.

With a tortured expression on his face, Sebastian turned around and left. Blaine sank down onto his chair, his eyes falling to the note again. It made him feel even more hollow. He didn’t understand how, but it felt like he’d completely messed up things with his best friend. And as happy as the notes had made him feel at first, they weren’t worth _this_.

* * *

The weekend had been rough. Blaine had been torn between ignoring his phone and staring at it, waiting for any message from Sebastian. Instead, there’d been congratulations about the role from his friends. It had been impossible to read them without Sebastian’s words ringing through his head again. But he’d been wrong. His friends were happy for him. Of course they didn’t want him to be miserable. So what if Santana’s words seemed to have an edge to them? It was Santana, that was just how she talked. And Kurt was absolutely thrilled, already trying to schedule private rehearsals. Blaine hadn’t replied yet.

On Monday, he felt completely exhausted. But at least, it had given him time to think. Somehow, during the fight with Sebastian, he had understood. Talking to Sebastian, he had felt like defending acting, while with his New Directions friends, he’d felt upset about the teaching being dismissed. He wanted both. It was both real to him. And with that realization, the decision had been easy.

Sanders watched him with slight amusement as he finally accepted her offer.

“Well, you’ve taken your time,” she said. “But I’m glad you made this decision. We’ll have the contracts sent to you by the end of this week. Welcome to the team, Mr. Anderson.”

When he left Hawkings, he had to suppress the urge to text Sebastian. He tried to tell himself his friend would want to hear about this. But he couldn’t just start texting. He needed to hear an apology first. Or maybe he just wanted it. He tried to distract himself with preparing lessons or learning his lines for the play, but neither worked particularly well. His last hope was the dance lesson at Santana’s.

It hadn’t been his best idea.

“Seriously, Anderson, what was that? Do you think you won’t have to put in any effort now that you have one measly role?” Santana asked once they’d gathered for their usual post-practice drink.

Blaine shrugged, avoiding her eyes. With Sebastian’s voice ringing in his ears he wasn’t sure whether she was upset because he had been distracted during her class or because there actually was jealousy.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kurt said, “they don’t need us to dance.”

“Well, good for the both of you,” Santana said. “You didn’t win any prizes tonight either, Twinkletoes.”

“Whereas you seem to be the reincarnation of Cassie July,” Kurt muttered.

Rachel flinched at the mere mention of her former dance teacher. “Let’s talk about more pleasant things, please.”

“Why not?” Santana said. “So, Blanderson, how’s the whole stalker thing working out for you?”

Blaine’s eyes widened. He’d almost forgotten the last note. “Um… he wants to meet me,” he said eventually. “The last note was a dinner invitation for Friday night.”

Kurt beamed at him in obvious excitement that Blaine couldn’t genuinely reciprocate. He was surprised to find a little concern in the way Rachel was looking at him.

“How are you going to meet him if neither of you knows what the other looks like?” Brittany asked.

“Well, I hope he knows me?” Blaine asked. “I mean, he knows where I live…”

“Seriously? Feivel might be onto something with the creepy thing,” Santana said.

“You think I shouldn’t go?” Blaine asked.

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course you should go!” Kurt protested. “Whoever it is clearly cares a lot about you, and he put so much effort into this. How could you even consider standing him up?”

“It’s not ‘standing him up’ if he never agreed to the date in the first place,” Santana replied, “but no, you should definitely go and find out who it is. You can’t get restraining orders against anonymous.”

“I don’t need a restraining order,” Blaine protested.

“You just don’t have a sense of romance,” Kurt said, glaring at Santana.

“Why do you care so much anyway?” Santana asked. “Are you trying to live vicariously through your ex or something? Or is there something else you’d like to confess?”

Kurt stared at her, gaping. Eventually, he got a grip on himself. “I want Blaine to be happy. As his friend. Maybe you might want to look into that?”

Again, Sebastian’s words echoed in his ears, and once more he wasn’t sure how true they were. Was Santana looking out for him, was she just cynical or was she trying to mess up what could be something positive? But why would she be jealous romantically when her relationship was pretty much the only thing she was happy about?

He shook his head, trying to end this train of thought. He wouldn’t get anywhere being paranoid about his friends’ motives. Besides, Sebastian didn’t know them as well as he thought.

He wondered why Sebastian was being so bitter about this whole secret admirer thing. Was there some projection going on? But why would Sebastian be upset about Blaine dating someone? He never showed any interest in getting involved deeper, and there had been enough opportunities…

“I really think this is your year,” Kurt said, beaming at him, and there was once more a whole conversation that had gone over his head. “First the role, now this admirer… everything’s coming up You.”

He tried to laugh, bowing his head in modesty. Maybe it looked like that on the outside, but he really didn’t feel like he was actually on top of the world. Even after taking both jobs, he still felt uneasy about his career choices, and it was hard enough to get excited over a secret admirer after realizing that he was kind of in love with his best friend, and somehow had gotten into the worst fight they ever had.

_“Tell me one aspect of your life that isn’t going exactly as you wanted.”_

He regretted the words he’d said to Sebastian, now that they were basically directed back at himself. He knew there were things going on Sebastian wasn’t telling him, that something had been bothering him lately. He just never had been able to figure out what it was. Some friend he was…

The conversation around him continued, but he couldn’t focus on what they were saying. He felt tired, distant, and restless at the same time. Talking to the others didn’t help at all, it made him just feel more on edge.

He excused himself, but instead of going to the restrooms, he stepped outside, hoping that some fresh air might clear his head. It was quieter out here, but apart from that, it didn’t help. With a sigh, Blaine leaned against the wall, just trying to calm down. Was it too early to go home already?

He took out his phone to check the time, and almost expected to find another piece of paper. But there was none. On his phone, however, there was a notification. One missed call. It was from Sebastian.

Blaine stared at the display, and more importantly the last notification. A voicemail.

He wasn’t sure what to expect. Would this be more attacks? Or maybe the apology he needed? Either way, he couldn’t not listen to it.

Sebastian’s voice sounded rough, as if he hadn’t gotten much rest lately either. Just that felt like comfort. It meant that he still cared, no matter what. Of course, he cared. He wouldn’t have gotten so worked up if he didn’t.

“Hey, Blaine… I guess you’re in dance class right now. Should have called later. Or maybe not. I… I know I said a lot already, but I kind of didn’t get to the important part. I’m… fuck, this shouldn’t be hard. I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have yelled at you. And of course, you can do whatever you want. It’s your life, your decisions. I just… You go to auditions, and you throw in so much of yourself, and… you come back, and you’re miserable, and it sucks seeing you like that. And when you talk about teaching, you… fuck, you light up like… I don’t know, some Disney Princess or whatever… and you look happy. And I want that. For you. Just… I’m sorry. For being a jerk. And a coward. And just…” There was a pause, only a few seconds, and the intake of breath as if there was something else he wanted to say. “Just take care, please.”

The message ended, and Blaine felt even more hollow than before. There it was, the apology he’d needed to hear. And still… he didn’t feel much better. He wished Sebastian was here, had said any of this to his face, but even then, he wouldn’t have known how to respond.

From inside, he could hear the noise of the bar, and right now he couldn’t think of anything he wanted less than return. There was movement, and when he looked up, he saw Rachel approaching, again that look of concern on her face. She looked at him, then the phone, and back to him.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

Blaine nodded, but he could see she didn’t buy it. Instead, she stepped forward and hugged him.

“What’s going on?” Rachel asked. “You’ve been upset all night. You’re kind of worrying me here, Blaine Warbler…”

“It’s nothing,” Blaine said, trying to ignore the nickname. “It’s just… I had a fight with Sebastian. He’s… It’s nothing. It’s just… it doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t sound like nothing,” Rachel said softly.

He never knew how to react when she looked at him with these wide eyes.

“I… I really don’t want to talk about it,” he said instead.

She was still looking at him like that, as if she was trying to figure him out. But she nodded eventually. “But if you do… I’m here, you know?”

Blaine smiled, and for the first time in a while, it didn’t feel like a grimace. “I know. Thank you.” For a moment, they stood together in silence. Eventually, he sighed. “I think I’ll go home. Sorry, I’m not exactly great company lately.”

Rachel smiled, although there was some sadness in the expression. “Just take care of yourself, Blaine Warbler.”

Her voice was soft, but the sentiment echoed Sebastian’s words. For now, it was kind of too much. He smiled, saying goodbye before he turned away and left. His head was a mess right now – his life was, really – but at least he still had people he could rely on. For this week, it was probably the most optimistic thought he’d had.

* * *

Friday arrived fast than he’d thought, and with it the date with the secret admirer. And still, Blaine couldn’t manage to summon up much excitement. It was too ingrained into his brain how it had been almost a week since the last time he talked to Sebastian. After the voicemail, he had considered calling, but he didn’t know what to say. With some distance, it was easier to see the truth even in the statements from last week. But Blaine still had no idea where all the anger was coming from.

He had two more lessons in the morning, a welcome distraction, but in the afternoon, he didn’t know what to do with himself. Usually, he’d go over his program for the bar, but expecting the date he’d rescheduled this week. Kurt had texted him once more, asking to start rehearsing – something about improving their chemistry before they went up in front of the producers again, but all Blaine could think of was how these words would drip from innuendo if Sebastian had said them.

It was almost six when he decided to stop pitying himself. Somehow, things with Sebastian had become a mess. But that might not be the worst thing. He wanted a relationship, something real, and that was not on the table with Sebastian. Some distance might even make it easier for him to get enough of a grip on himself to fix their friendship. And maybe a date with someone who put so much work into impressing him might at least help him get over this?

He had barely talked himself into it, when the doorbell rang, followed by rapid knocking. For a second he thought it might be the secret admirer. But that would be too forward, not fitting with the notes he’d gotten so far. When he opened the door, he found Rachel on his doorstep.

“Hi, sorry, I didn’t know you were coming over,” Blaine said, allowing her in.

“I just wanted to help you prepare for your big date,” Rachel said. “And check in on you. Kurt mentioned you’ve gone a bit off the radar, and you know... I was a bit worried since the other day.”

“Oh, that’s…Thanks.” It seemed a little overbearing, but somehow, he didn’t mind it from Rachel. It was very much her, and he couldn’t deny that she’d been pretty considerate of him lately.

“It’s a good thing I’m here, it looks like you haven’t been getting ready at all,” Rachel said, frowning at him even as she reached out for his hair. “I’ve never seen you this curly.”

“I was worse at your senior prom,” Blaine replied, swatting away her hand. “And I hadn’t started yet.” He wasn’t quite sure what everyone’s obsession with his hair was. He had reduced his gel consumption years ago. And there it was again, that treacherous voice at the back of his head, murmuring how Sebastian seemed to enjoy running his fingers through the curls.

Blaine tried to shove the thoughts aside. This wasn’t helping anyone.

“You could help me with the outfit,” he said instead, leading the way to his wardrobe. It wasn’t Rachel’s strongest suit, but she was always happy to be asked her opinion. Surprisingly, they agreed on only the third outfit they pulled together, and Blaine could get on with shaving and taming his hair, while Rachel leaned against the counter, entertaining him with stories from Jesse’s work as a producer.

“There you go,” she said eventually, when he was done. “Regular prince Charming.” She smiled at him, and to his surprise, he noticed a hint of moisture in her eyes. It felt as if he missed something, but then again, he started feeling like this about everyone.

Rachel looked at him, but the smile started to fade, and a frown appeared as she kept watching him. Blaine sensed she wanted to say something, but probably was still trying to find the right words. He had no idea what was coming, so he just waited until she was ready to speak.

“You don’t seem that excited,” she said eventually. “I don’t understand. You were so happy about it at first.”

Blaine looked down, not sure what to say to this.

“Is this about Sebastian?” Rachel asked. Her voice was soft, as if she was worried to scare him off. “Did you talk?”

Blaine shook his head. It was stupid, of course. Sebastian had apologized to him. He just didn’t know what to say to him, couldn’t think he could just accept it, without admitting why he’d been so hurt in the first place. And just how would Sebastian react to that particular confession?

Rachel sighed. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe you should. You’re clearly upset about him.”

Blaine wanted to protest, but then his phone rang, interrupting him. One look at the display showed him it was Corbyn’s number.

“Sorry, I’ve got to take this,” he said to Rachel, before answering.

“I have good news and bad news,” the producer opened the conversation. “Bad news, the theater isn’t available, closed down for renovations. Good news, we found a different location – a better one, actually, and we can start rehearsals with just one month delay. Plus, we’ll get a longer runtime, and afternoon productions two days a week. So, I hope you have a clear schedule, this just got a lot bigger.”

Blaine’s heart seemed to stop for a second, only to go into overdrive the next second. The scheduling would have just worked before with his new teaching job. But with the delay and change, there was no chance he could do both of them.

“Wait, I told you, I can’t. I’m starting a full-time job teaching high school,” he protested.

“You’ll have to cancel that,” Corbyn said. “We will need you full time. Come on, it’s just teaching.”

And here he was. For so long, Blaine had thought he could get away with doing both, not choosing. Well, that time had run out. Both wasn’t an option, and he had to make a decision. A maybe or something real? What did he want to do?

For what felt like an eternity, he had tried to figure this out, to find what he really wanted. It had felt completely impossible. Now? He felt like floating. Corbyn was at the phone waiting for an answer, Rachel was sitting in front of him, frowning at him in concern, his secret admirer’s last note was on the table, beckoning for what could be… and on his wrist, he saw the watch Sebastian had gotten him for his last birthday. Suddenly, it all fit together. How miserable he was about auditions, how he hated the constant rejection, how much he enjoyed passing on his knowledge to the next generation.

Lighting up, as Sebastian had said. And suddenly, it was very easy. It wasn’t giving up; it wasn’t running away. It was the realization of what he actually wanted.

“In that case, I’m afraid I have to decline the role,” he said, his voice steady in a way he barely knew from himself, “I’m sorry, I’m sure you’ll find someone else. But I’m going to be a teacher.”

Without waiting for an answer, Blaine ended the call. Finally, he had made a decision, and it felt… liberating. Insane. Like flying, in a way.

In the end, it was just that easy.

“But Blaine, the role-“ Rachel said, but she stopped herself when she saw the look on his face. “You’re sure about this,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

“I made a choice,” Blaine said. “And I think I get it now, what I want. I want something real.” That’s what it came down to. Something real, for his career, and about his feelings.

Something real, just like Sebastian had said.

Sebastian…

And with the force of lightning, Blaine was hit by the second epiphany. He had been a complete idiot.

“I have to go,” he said, the words tumbling from his mouth.

Rachel looked at him with a wistful look. “You’re not going to your secret date, are you?” she asked.

“No. I’m sure they’re nice, and they don’t deserve to be stood up, but…”

“You have to follow your heart,” Rachel said. “I get it, in a way. I’ll go to the restaurant, see if I can break it to your admirer gently. You go and get your boy.”

Blaine felt a surge of gratitude. Unable to find words to express them, he pulled her into a hug. “Thank you, Rachel,” he said eventually.

She squeezed him, before she stepped back. “Go and get him. Though if he hurts you, Santana is going to end him.”

* * *

It took him over half an hour until he arrived at Sebastian’s apartment building. He stopped in front of the elevator for a moment, but he didn’t have enough patience to wait, opting to sprint up the stairs instead. Once he arrived in front of the apartment, he was out of breath, but it didn’t matter. He rang the bell and waited. He could hear noises inside, telling him that Sebastian was indeed home. He rang again, and for good measure a third time.

A muffled voice came from inside, and though he couldn’t hear much through the door, it sounded a bit like swearing. He rang the bell again, unable to stand still and wait, now that he was so close…

The door opened, only to reveal Sebastian inside. His tie was undone and the first few buttons of his shirt were open. His hair was a bit disheveled and he had that slightly glassy look that told Blaine that he had more than one drink. The first look of annoyance passed, turned into incredulity once his eyes found Blaine.

Now that they were face to face, the words seemed to have disappeared.

“Hi,” was the only thing Blaine managed to get out.

Sebastian stared at him in confusion. “Blaine? What are you doing here?”

“I had to see you. I finally… Wait, are you drunk?” Blaine asked.

Sebastian blinked at him just a second too slowly, before rolling his eyes. “I’ve had a bit of whisky. And what do you care anyway? Shouldn’t you be on your big date?”

Blaine’s eyes widened. It was so obvious now that he wondered how he hadn’t seen it ages ago. Jealousy. It had just been jealousy, and he had tried to contort his brain to figure out what was going on with Sebastian. It had been so simple.

“I’m not going on the date,” Blaine said. “I don’t want it.”

Sebastian frowned, staring at Blaine as if he was some puzzle he couldn’t solve. “I don’t understand. I thought…”

“I thought at first it was a sweet idea,” Blaine said, “but honestly, it’s just a dream. It’s not what I want. I’ve figured it out now. I don’t want some secret admirer. Not when I know who he isn’t. I’m done running after pipe dreams, Sebastian. I’m not saying I won’t ever be artistic. I’ll keep playing music, I’ll keep writing songs, and maybe I’ll go on some auditions. But it’s not the center of my life. What I want… is something real.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened, and for a second Blaine saw wild, unbridled hope, encouraging him to continue.

“All this time, I thought you meant the jobs. And you were right there, too. I took the job at Hawkings. I won’t do the play. I want to be a teacher. But that wasn’t what you meant, was it? I thought when you were talking about something real, you just meant career choices. But you weren’t.”

Sebastian was still watching him, slowly shaking his head.

“It’s not that I left the offer on the table,” Blaine said, “I just didn’t realize it was there. But I get it now. And… I do want something real. _This _is something real, you and me, and… and I want to be with you.” He took a step closer, invading Sebastian’s personal space, even as he felt his friend’s hands fall to his hips.

“Be my boyfriend, Sebastian.”

Their lips crashed together before he could even finish the name. Sebastian’s arms circled around him, one hand sneaking up into his hair and treading through the curls. As they parted, Blaine actually had to catch his breath. Even through the alcohol haze, Sebastian looked way to smug about this.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for this?” he asked.

“You could have said something,” Blaine said, unable to suppress a chuckle.

“Didn’t want to scare you off. And our former arrangement wasn’t so bad…”

Sebastian smiled at him, one of those rare smiles in which he seemed completely happy with the world. It made him look boyish, more innocent. So far, Blaine had only seen it around himself and Sebastian’s sister. Softly, he put a hand against Sebastian’s face, earning an even wider smile, and then another kiss.

“This is real,” Sebastian said when they parted again. “You’re real to me. You’ve always been.”

It was as close to an “I love you” as they’d get tonight, but that was alright. Some things could wait to be spoken out loud. Instead, Blaine leaned up for another kiss.

“Want to take this inside?” he murmured against Sebastian’s lips.

The answer was laughter.

“You’ll be the death of me,” Sebastian said. “Come on then, killer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is. I started with a few other ideas for the end, possibly revealing the admirer, but I couldn't make it fit with the rest and felt kind of mean about it, so I left it out. In the end, it's not important, Blaine never finds out, and didn't really need to know anyway, as he figures out what he wants regardless.  
The whole idea was that usually in secret admirer stories, it's the love interest they end up with. I kind of wanted to mix it up. So there we go, and thanks a lot for reading!


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